enjoying the last days of this year

went out to park east tonite.was just starring at girls.had anxiety,depressed,waiting for the perfect opening.everytime i think of girls i get in that victim mentality state.i really dont have time for girls.if 2012 is the end,than i want to enjoy myself,put myself forward.putting women on a pedestal,selling myself so she finally says yes to me,having someone to care for u,go on a date with u,share things with u....never got that chance.being depressed,giving up on life is not the way i want this year to end.being stiff,waiting for perfection to come in,getting jealous when i see other people smiling,watching couples n feeling hurt,friends/brothers getting married while im the one who should b...just makes it worse for me.i just want to breakaway from all of this.i want to celebrate and will celebrate myself.

time is passing me by

i kinda knew this wouldnt be that ez.my mind is thinking abt how i havent been laid in 3yrs to no girl in sight.at the same time its forcing me to go out,but that just puts me in a dark,depressed,loner mood.its like my body cant take this pain of women anymore.a life without women is like a breath of fresh air.its already mid november.....just have to be more charismatic with inner confidence

ME

i reached a point where any thought of women makes me extremely depressed.life without them is not possible but i never even had a girlfriend or a date.im still breathing.im still standing. im still here.trying a new character,being someone else to get women never worked for me.picturing if there are no women in the world,how will i live......is possible now.

i can see a life without women.the whining, depression, negativity, hate, rebel, crying, lonliness,will convert into being more charismatic n confident.life as a playground.... just having fun.fast paced lifestyle.i made it this far without women.i dont want any sadness,grief,pity,depression,lonliness,oh well i tried type of vibe.not doing this for women,but myself.a fast paced,chaotic lifestyle....it will take time.

breaking away....

My mind is in a different place.Reading the last thread makes me think n realize how negative,desperate,depressing,somewhat rebellious my blog has been.I cant say i wont go back to old ways,but i have been feeling different.

I was reading more about aries.....went back in time where i did job interviews,family parties,blah blah blah.Never put so much pressure on myself n just took action.My focus was not a person,place,or thing.I cant figure out what im focusing on,but anything in between from people,meetings,numbers, dont really matter. its chaotic.Not sitting still, nor standing still.Just throwing urself in there.As soon as my mind starts doubting, everything falls like a stack of cards.

Have been listening to the following song and watching videos to change my negativity.

Couple of days ago, I was suicidal/depressed of going out.Hated going out n approaching.Its not that i couldnt,but i just didnt enjoy it.Well i am working n have killed/ignore/erase those weaknesses of pity,y me,fuck the world,when will god,help me,dark thoughts to more happy,chaotic,fun,charismatic,daring,rebellious thoughts.it wont happen overnight.The old pattern is...approach>rejection>others success>jealous>y me>when will my turn come>depressed>suicidal>hate>rebellious>music>pressure>get laid or dye trying>mr perfect>right moment>wrong way approach>never good enough>perfectionist mindset>go home alone>music loud>swearing>full of hate>dying>rebel>rage>cant take it>y me>depressed>suicidal>sleepy>get back up n keep on moving.

Creativity is often blocked by trying to be perfect "Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."